Voldie Old Feeble Still not immortal!
by MrsSevvySnape
Summary: Voldie is very old and still is not immortal. He is also a little out of it. He goes on little random adventures while remembering things form the past. Please read and review! And this is immature humor. As the chapters go things might change. One chapte
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters!  
  
Voldie- Old and Feeble and Senile- And still not immortal.  
  
A/N: Okay this is my humorous story and it is very wacky and a little immature which makes it funny. So sit back, relax, and read my hard work. Because I guarantee u won't leave your chair w/ dry underwear ;) ha ha!  
  
Voldie (I) woke up one morning. Groaning! Oh no not another birthday! I'm 199 years old! Darn it all! Things aren't at all like they used to be! Yep I remember being bad like it was just last night. Well actually I suppose that could be true. I did actually do a bad and evil thing 2 my nose then. I couldn't sleep is that my fault? So I got up and I had to go pooh-pooh. So I went and used the (what do they call it these days?) oh yes, the crapper. Anyways so I went and used the crapper- contraction thingy. And I stunk up the bathroom. I was farting for a half an hour but then my body gave me a sign that I was getting too old 2 fart and carry on like my old fun days, when the Death-Eaters and I would have farting contests. My real competition was Snape and Lucius. I remember this one time we were having the contest at Lucius's house to punish his son, Draco, I don't remember what it was for. And his wife walked in on Snape farting on the poop wall. (One time a fart was so strong it blew a hole through my pants and there was poop too and it went through onto the wall so we called it the poop wall.) And anyways Snape saw her watching and tripped over his strong fart force and he fell right onto the poop. But back to that... So anyways my body gave me that sign and I knew because I pooped out a bone in my poop. It might have been that darn annoying Siegel that kept plucking out the two hairs I had left. But all the same I felt more flexible after that. I went to bed and then I woke up w/ crap inside the sheets.  
  
I walked into my living room and was completely naked (except for the crap smeared on my leg.) And Macnair was there and he took a picture not realizing that I was naked w/ crap on my leg until he put the camera down. UH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY OLD! I MEAN MY LORD. MY LORD... MY LORD!... Voldemort suddenly noticed all of his other death-eaters looking at him and Snape muttering... Wow. he has a pretty big wand for his old age. uh. I never said that I hope he didn't hear that. I quickly magiced myself on some clothes and pretended that they never saw anything. Thank you my oh-so-loyal-death-eaters. -What will we do today my lord? - Uhh I am not sure. - would you like to take up the old times and have another farting contest? - Uh. well I think I just wasted my whole supply last night. Can someone gladly please get me my walking stick.. Or better yet... my wheel chair?-Sure thing my lord! - Hmm.. SNAPE! GET ME MY THINKING BOULER (sp?) HAT! -On my way- Thank you Snape! . Hmmm. well I HAVE IT! HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE ZOO TODAY? - GREAT IDEA MY LORD! - As I sat down in my wheel chair I thought of how fun it would be. YES IM SO EXCITED! LET'S DO THE HAPPY DANCE! REMEMBER IT'S THE BRITTANY SPEARS MOVE! SWING IT AROUND! THAT'S IT USE THAT ARSE!!! VERY GOOD SNAPE! OHH... LUCIUS YOU COULD DO WITH SOME LESSONS FROM SNAPE! - Learning my lord heh heh heh. - I suppose we will have to go to a muggle zoo. Everywhere else will be packed. They all want 2 see the dancing monkeys! Darn it all!- Well my lord shall we set off now?- I suppose. erm. don't forget to bring the explosives.- Got it!-  
  
We all apparated to the Fockedop Zoo.- I walked up to the ticket booth- Sir we have a special senior price- What I am not old!- Yeah, okay I'm sorry sir.- AVADA KADEVRA!- OUCH! That was the rest of my strength. PLEASE! WHEEL CHAIR! I sat in the wheel chair. Oh I guess free admission. Oh free sweets too! I grabbed the stick thing and I chewed it. Hey! You can chew it forever! This is fun! And then it happened. - AH LUCIUS YOUR HAIR! IT'S, IT'S. COVERED IN THE NEVER ENDING CHEWY STUFF! AND IT WON'T COME OUT! - OH MY GOD! VOLDEMORT! MYLORD! MY HAIR! @#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY BEAUTIFUL LONG BLONDE HAIR! - Shave it off!- NOOO!!!- Lucius's head was now bald. - AH! - Let's move on now shall we?- We are first off to the giraffe's. GEOFFREY WASSUP MAN? HOW YOU BEEN?! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE FOREVER! Eh. we can catch up later. And moving on! Next the elephants. AH! MOTHER OF PEARL! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT STENCH?! AHHH!!!! MACNAIR IT FARTED ON YOU! THOSE WANNABEES! HORRIBLE! NOW I KNOW OF ANOTHER TORTURE ITEM! WHAT A COMPLETE UTTERLY GOOD AND BAD BONUS! Yes. and moving on. Here you might want to use this muggle cologne Macnair. Here Snape will put it on for you.- GET THAT CRAP OFF OF ME! - KABOOM! - ouch.- Snape I think that might have been gas. And since your hair is so greasy. when Macnair dumped it back on your head it exploded and created a FIRE! SAVE THE ANIMALS! - Eh who really gives a crap. Still, moving on. (Ignoring the flame on Snape's head, no notice.) Now to the reptile house. AWW! MY SNAKIE POO'S! Slither around on me all you want honey buns! ALOHOMORA! Aww look Lucius has a new hairpiece! I just may keep you and call you pookiekins! Now snake. ware were you on the night of today? That's okay, take your time. Now they will all pay those muggle snake lovers! Crabbe, get out those explosives! -Puff, puff, puff- KABOOM! IT'S RAINING SNAKE GUTS! HALEYLUIA!- And next stop. The Chimpanzee's. - OO EE AA AA! - AH SHUT UP YOU STUPID ANIMAL AND STOP FOLLOWING ME! - Now now Macnair. You know that the monkey's like to follow horrible smells! STUPID!!!!!!!! I just had to do it.. I swung the monkey. And it died of shock. Although I am beginning to think the stench finally got past his nostril and into his brain. pah! figures! Everyone put corks over their noses. Even MACNAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY! YOU'RE STINKING US ALL UP! AND NOW IT WILL TAKE WEEKS FOR ALL OF US TO FEEL NORMAL EVEN IF WE WASH IN PERFUME!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S MAKE THAT ELEPHANT PAY! - GIMME THAT CLOSEST WHALE! I threw the whale and all the elephants died knocked out winded. And even the whale did. But that was because it landed in the crap pile. - Well. uh I think that leaves it pretty much for my birthday today. I am pretty pooped out. And I think my spine just cracked in half. Help... A little assistance please? Except one more thing. First lets go to McDonald's and get a McFlurry for only a dollar!- We Walked in to McDonald's and everyone in there vacated because of our stench! OOH YUM! They must know that its my birthday so they gave me space and a free ice cream! Well it's past my bed time. It is exactly 2:00 PM, and I woke up at 11:45. I gotta sleep the rest of the day. I will burn you next time I need you. (Preferably late at night so we can have another contest ;) .)  
  
N/N: Okay well this is only the first chapter. Let me know what the next journey should be. I'm fresh out of ideas. But I know it has to be more centered on Snape and Voldie and drugs together. They have to get drunk, or stoned or something like that. Thanks for reading! And may you have enough dry underwear. REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW! And please no flames... 


	2. The Fabulous Mission

A/N: Hey everyone! I like this chapter except most of this holds inside jokes. But it will only look like random things for the readers who don't know me. Yerss! This will be great! lmao! But I warn you this chapter is very inappropriate! I dedicate this chapter to my two true doughnut sisters- Trish, and Riley (--- Twin.) I hope in this chapter I do not offend anyone in any way. I am not making fun of anything. If you are offended it has nothing to do with what you are offended by because this was not meant to offend you. Please remember that...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Voldemort or any of the death-eaters or the company names. But I own Jerald and Herbert.  
  
Part One: Who in the hell is Jerald?  
  
Voldemort woke up one bright and sunny morning. It was glorious! The sun was pouring through the window and frying his face. The thing is, with Voldie, the sun does funny things to his body. Needless to say, he usually doesn't notice things at his old age.  
  
He walked out of bed and into the bathroom. He did the normal stuff. Well... 'normal' in his eyes. And his eyes aren't that great anymore by the way. He crapped on the 'crapper' for a little over an hour. He took his normal bath in pepto bismol, as he insists. He then took his cane so he could make the long walk to the next room, the kitchen, to take his special pill. His pill along with mine, is viagra. He always insists... He claims it makes him go faster in the day. He sometimes adds that he also hopes to get 'lucky' and doesn't want to loose his 'charm' and 'special touch'. "AHH! SHUT UP! I DON'T NEED AN INTRO!" 'Who am I you may ask?' Why, I am Jerald. Just Jerald. I am a 57 year old male from Tahiti. I like to go to the all men night clubs and find hot guys. I just so happened to run into Voldie-poo there. 'My physical description?' Well... I am medium-tall height. Rather ran from living in Tahiti. I have long strawberry blonde, permed, hair. (thanks to trish, my shopping and makeover advisor.) Tomorrow I get breast implants. I wanted them and Voldie-poo liked the idea on me too.  
  
You may be thinking about out relationship. Well we do have a 'fling' going on. But we also see other men/women. I have another special... umm... er... 'partner.' His name is Herbert. He sometimes erm... 'spends the night.' He is my 'good friend' as well. Voldie will sometimes have a girl or two over sometimes a guy. But it's normally just him, me, and Herbert, and of course the oh-so-faithful-frying pan. (The frying pan is our.. erm.. 'special toy'. It gets er... 'white' and erm.. 'sticky' ... erm... if you get my drift. It is crusty now... Please do remind me to get several new pans...) Of course he has his death-eaters over for fun every so often too.  
  
I have had wonderful adventures ever since I have met the wonderful, carefree, great spirited, guy he is. You should see how sentimental he can be sometimes. One time that sexy Snape dude came over and had a break down because some lousy Harry Potter stole his pink bunny slippers from him. He claims that he could always talk to them for comfort, trust, and nice cuddly fun. Voldie-poo got so wrapped up in tears that he went out and bought a new pair for Snape and one for himself.  
  
Anway's... where was I? Yerss, Draco, (sweet-ass Malfoy's son) has joined the death-eater group. He has now used the 'poop wall' about 4 times already. The fourth time his pants got bloodied and sweet-Lucius suggested that is was his 'time of the month.'  
  
Oh yerss, before Voldie-poo sets the house on fire, I have one more thing to clarify. My ass is very tight ad sexy. "AHH! VOLDIE! That fork does NOT go in the microwave!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hmmm... Can I have my story back now Jerald!? -Thank you.- Anyways... So the sun does funny things to my body, And when I saw myself in the mirror I was overly shocked. I ahd a mustache! I looked exactly like an 'older' cop! I had now decided on today's adventure. I am going to get away with being a cop today! Which can only mean three things! 1. DOUGHNUTS! 2. COFFEE! 3. Busting bad people like me's asses for absolutely NO reason! -"Did he already mention D- O-U- G- H- N- U- T- S?!" "SHUT UP, JERALD!" But yes, a copper HAS to have his doughnuts! And I'm sire I, the death- eaters, Jerald, and Herbert, just CAN'T WAIT, to wear one of those sexy, tight leather, policeman uniforms! HAH! I decided on the lucky death-eaters who could join me. Snape, Lucius, Macnair, (without the elephant shit, that took him monthes to get the smell away. He even had to try to swim in 'Beano' that wouldn't work either!) Crabber, and Goyle. YERSS! This will be so much FUN!!!!!!!!  
  
I 'burned' my 'lucky victims' to my side as they showed up one by one. I told them of 'the plan.' "Oh! That's fabulous!" They all sang with joy. Just on good timing Herbert walked in the door with his shirt all messy, hair everywhere (except on his head), and pizza slopped all over him. "OH GOODY! HERBERT! Join the fun!" Jerald jumped for joy.  
  
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Part Two: The Fabulous Mission-  
  
Equipment needed for doughnut copper mission~  
  
Empty Stomach A stapler per person Beating stick Nice, fast, cars to piss people off Mastercard (a priceless mission) Sexy Outfit Convincing policeman badges  
  
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We now had all of the stuff needed for the mission. Soon we would be hauling ass looking for people to piss off. Time to split up!...  
  
8 cars- Drove out of the driveway each with all of the 'equipment' with them.  
  
They split up, down different busy roads. Their badges and leather outfits were shining in the sun.  
  
Just then Voldemort spotted a car with an old grandpa driving less than a mile per hour with some doughnuts on his dashboard. "AHA! My first victim!" Voldemort laughed evilly. He then beckoned the old man to pull over to the side of the road. "Young man, do you have any idea how fast you were driving?" Voldemort asked 'seriously'. "Why, no I don't. Was I driving over 100 again?" the old man asked. "Hmm..., well I might let you go but under two circumstances." Voldemort replied. "And what might those be, officer?" The old man asked. "Well, one, you drive 170 miles per hour, and two, you give me those doughnuts you got there." Voldemort was satisfied. "Oh alright, fair enough, thank you!" The old man handed the doughnuts over to voldemort. Then he started the car, and started speeding 170 miles per hour. Voldemort got in his cop car, holding all of the doughnuts and sat in the seat, closed the door, and started eating. Next thing he looks over and see's is the old man speeding and smash into a couple cars causing a domino effect. Then the old man stopped at the light and somehow crashed through his windshield, flying up and over the traffic light, landing on an old lady with a cane that was crossing the street. Voldemort laughed with triumph and sang, "That's the way, I like it." Voldemort then sped off to find another victim. He was driving down the road only to find a really sexy man doing 'the walk' across the street at the traffic light. Voldemort honked. "Oh Sexy! Come on over here, hot stuff!" Voldemort shouted out the window. The man walked over and said, "Hmm... It will cost you!" "Oh. male hooker...*cough*" Voldemort mumbled. "What do you want?" "Umm... Just those doughnuts." Voldemort was now angry. He would never even consider to give his doughnuts away just for a hooker. "No way! MY DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted in rage as he sped down the street running over the mans foot. Voldemort mumbled curse words the whole way to the 'Dunkin Doughnuts'. He needed another pick-me-up.  
  
When he got there he noticed everyone else on the mission were coming from different directions, parking at the store. "Right on time." Voldemort chuckled. Next they all made sure they had their staplers and beating sticks with them. "LET'S GO!" Jerald shouted. "WAIT! That is my job!... Okay GO!" Voldemort confirmed. They ran in to the store unsuspicious. "How may I help you, gentlemen?" Some lady behind the counter asked. "HAND OVER YOUR DOUGHNUTS!" Lucius took over. "OR WE'LL STAPLE!" Snape added. The lady looked puzzled but amused. "NOW!" Herbert screamed. The lady just stood there and scratched her head and blinked. -Sigh.- Just then Macnair jumped up with his stapler and pressed it against her arm. -Click.- OUCH!- Macnair kept clicking everywhere. Soon everyone else was '-clicking-' all of the customers until everyone but the lady behind the counter evacuated. Suddenly, Macnair stopped. "I ran out of staples." Everyone else had too. As though everyone was thinking the same, they all took out their beating sticks and started to beat the lady. They all beated her out the door. Jerald particularly was beating her ass. (-with a beat-tune of course.-) The lady finally got in her car with staples on her still, and drove away.  
  
"YERSS! FREE DOUGHNUTS!" Voldemort shouted with glee. They all ran behind the counter, took turns getting coffee, and grabbed all the doughnuts they could. Even Hervert and Jerald grabbed each others' nuts' (---- if you get what I mean- hint: hint: wink: wink-) Jerald, of course, shoved three doughnuts on each side under his shirt in just the right place. "Hmm... Do you think this is a good size for my implants?" Jerald asked Voldemort and Herbert. "Oh, don't worry I will eat them later." They sat around and ate all of the doughnuts and drank all of the coffee until there was no more. (Except for the 6 under Jerald's shirt being saved for later...) Crabbe and Goyle took turns burping, Snape and Lucius held hands for a moment (not quite sure why...) and Herbert and Jerald were playing footsy under the table. Then suddenly I heard shouting come nearer... There was an angry mob of people after us. So we charged out the window, breaking the glass, and setting off the alarm, we all hauled ass into our cars just in time. We drove over to the mob and ran some people over for fun. Then we sped full speed home where I got to my driveway and suddenly stopped, causing me to crash into my garage door. Then everyone crashed into my back of the car and other's backs. Just like the other domino effect. But before I got to do anything I fell asleep sitting up in my car. I was exhausted for an old man. Pooped. Drained. -Until the next adventure- A triumphant crab scuttled down the sidewalk and walked into Voldemort's house with Lucius and Snape staring at it evilly. "UNTIL NEXT TIME, CRABBLER!" They shouted together.  
  
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About the next chapter: It is about Voldemort trying to housekeep, especially mow the lawn. And in between he will get trouble with the mysterious, but awesome, crab! (Known as crabbler.)  
  
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A/N: How did you guys like this one? I had to change the rating up because of this... LOL! But I love it... lol this next chapter will be just as good I can assure you... But don't expect to get it for a while unfortunately. I WANT REVIEWS! LOL! ~Always~ Jenna~ 


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